Re: Shipment of Pine-Scented Hand Lotion Received

To Mr. Ian Wood, Film Director:

I am glad we were able to reach an understanding re: my client's demands. Though the amount of lotion you received may seem excessive for barely a week's worth of filming, you will be glad to have it on hand, as it will prevent my client's delicate palms from unseemly chapping due to what will undoubtedly be excessive and potentially life-threatening overuse. I take it you also received the seven boxes of deodorant as well? They are equally, if not as obviously, important.

Also, while I was initially disappointed with your choice for my client's bodyguard--he normally prefers to be flanked by two towering and equally wide-flanked gentlemen of Samoan extraction--the somewhat innocuous-looking blond man of Icelandic descent you settled upon should more than suffice, I admit. Upon first glance I was sure that his relative slightness-of-frame and rather alarming triple-digit IQ would make him completely unsuitable for the position, but the cell phone footage you provided of him mercilessly beating a homeless person convinced me otherwise.

With those matters settled, it only remains for me to once again strongly suggest that you reverse your stance re: my client's well-worn but still well-loved catchphrase, "Let's get this showboat on the rowboat!" While I understand your reluctance to compromise your artistic vision by shoehorning in an unwieldy (though beloved) bit of playful phrase-mangling, I still maintain that in terms of publicity, excising the catchphrase entirely would be a poor decision. After all, I think we can both agree that were it not for the repeated utterances of his catchphrase, my client's previous star turn in "Taint Misbehavin'!" would have been nothing more than an ad nauseam repetition of poorly-scripted and utterly predictable scrotum jokes. The inclusion of his wacky catchphrase--"Let's get this showboat on the rowboat!"--lent that film an air of insouciance and innocence that market research shows was largely responsible for its popularity amongst teenagers and recovering amphetamine addicts.

Furthermore, my employers here at Sweinburg Amalgamated Plastics and Talent Agency are insistent that my client's most marketable trait--his catchphrase, "Let's get this showboat on the rowboat!"--be included in the script in some fashion, regardless of artistic merit. As with their fine plastic products, they expect a return on the investment they have made with my client, and as his "overheads" are rather more extravagant than that of a race-car shaped milk bottle or even the most intricately designed oblong sex toy, the returns he must provide are significant indeed. They are not alone in tying his value to the repeated utterance of his catchphrase, and nor are they incorrect; as you will no doubt soon discover, the catchphrase in question is one of the few sentences my client can consistently manage to put together. Excepting, of course, demands for material possessions and physical pleasuring.

As you are clearly a man of both letters and reason, I am sure you will come to the same conclusion re: my client's catchphrase and its value, and I do look forward to working with you to incorporate it, as seamlessly as possible, into your otherwise impeccable script. It is truly a pleasure to have my client working with someone as esteemed as yourself and the fine crew you have undoubtedly put together. I am confident that the needs of both my client and of your film project will be met fully, and that the resulting collaboration will be nothing but an unmitigated success for all involved.

Oh, and as an additional inquiry: I have mentioned previously my client's particular hygienic concerns, and I just wanted to re-affirm your commitment to hiring what is known in the business as a "pube wrangler." I have a list of professional contacts I can provide you with should you so desire, but I will also accept any person of non-professional standing you may decide to recruit, so long as they have a working knowledge of braiding techniques and/or ready access to a large supply of brylcreem.

Eagerly awaiting your response,
Yours sincerely,
Murray I. Porterhouse
Senior Talent Developer, VP of Dildo Production
Sweinburg Amalgamated Plastics and Talent Agency