Coat-Tailing

"soon coat tails vicariously tailored to your personal use will no longer be an option..."

So says Nate Murphy, but no says I. My vicarious coat-tails will last as long as I goddamn want them to, sir. You think you got it all figured out with your carpe diem bullshit, but I object! There is a lot of life to be lived vicariously, and if you ask me, it's the best way to go.

Consider: Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that one's life may best be compared to a steaming pile of dogshit. Why dogshit, you ask? Why not horse manure or projectile bird poop? For the simple reason that dogshit, much like let's say one's life, is dull. Boring. Mundane. Ho-hum. A yawnfest. Not a day goes by that some dog doesn't shit somewhere; we've all seen it. There are no surprises. It does not turn pretty colors or cause hallucinations. It's there, in the grass, on the street, on your shoe, wrapped in a plastic baggie and thrown in the trash for unsuspecting hobos to come across on their daily search for foodstuffs and cast-off cardigans. Nobody gives a shit about dogshit because it's dogshit. A similar comparison could be drawn to, let's say, one's life.

And so what does one do? Live their own dog-shitty life? No, I say! We should not be bound by fate to our own measly existence! We can, and do, and will, and shall, choose another existence, someone else's life, to latch on to and live through, so that our days may be better than they would be were they completely our own. Those coat-tails are made to be grabbed, my good sir Murphy! And, depending on the quality of the tailor and the terrain through which it drags us, those coat-tails can last a good goddamned time. This is why it is preferable to grab onto the coat-tails of the rich, because they can afford the best and most durable, not any of that cheap imitation Nordstrom crap. Ha! The middle class and their big-box retail shopping!

I appreciate that you appreciate my contribution to this ultra-mega-community blog, whether it be a funny video about blue-faced men urinating on another man or some kind of half-hearted attempt to laugh at foreign people. But might I suggest that your dismissal of coat-tails is perhaps a bit premature? Perhaps you just need to find the right coat-tails to grab onto. Might I suggest you take advantage of your apparent likeness and grab onto Nic Cage's? You just might find yourself fighting crime IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!!!! Or whatever such motherfuckery he is getting up to these days.

So okay, you want to know about our lives, and hear our voices, because you are homesick...sure, valid needs and desires both, if that's what you're into. But I am arguing that you should not be into that whatsoever, that instead you should be into the lives that we live vicariously. Speaking for myself only, it is much better than my own I can assure you. Consider your options here: you can have post after post about blah blah blah wank snore work blah food or you could have post after post about me, and by me I mean international jet-setting celebrity who is not me, and all the awesome and amazing things I do that are documented fully in US Magazine and did you see what I was wearing at the Emmys I mean what the fuck was I thinking?

By living vacariously I can live a whole hell of a lot better than I'm living now, Murphy. I can be a famous athlete doing famous athletey things, throwing things and kicking things and catching things and winning some sort of trophy after all is said and done. Or I could be a mixed martial arts fighter! Can you imagine!? Better I'm half-naked and kicking the shit out of some suburban rube with large biceps and a tiny brain than sitting at home hammering out inane blog posts about the sandwich I ate today (turkey and ham, lettuce, onions, some Dijon mustard and lite mayo on whole wheat). I mean, it was a good fucking sandwich, make no mistake, but not quite the same as snapping someone's arm out of their socket, n'est-ce pas?

Living vicariously allows me to be any kind of successful that I want to be but will never be on my own, and I can do it all without having to put in any of the time and effort required to actually obtain that success for real. And when I die I can do so happily, knowing full well that other people accomplished everything I set out to do for me, and I didn't have to lift a goddamn finger.