Man vs. Bee

The Mascot--generally harmless, often annoying, its presence at major sporting events has become an accepted if somewhat unwelcome sideshow. A purist would argue that one's attention should be focused on the ball-maneuvering down on the field or court or what-have-you, while a small child might rebut that argument by pointing out The Mascot has a goofy face and likes to dole out hugs. Each have a pretty solid point, but regardless, The Mascot, in the grand scheme of things, occupies a position of little to no importance, and is pretty easily (and often) forgotten.

On the other hand, there is The Fan--the self-important audience member whose sad devotion to their chosen sport/team is only superseded by said sport/team's thinly veiled disgust of said Fan. The Fan is catered to and has platitudes and patronizations hurled their way at every opportunity, but it goes without saying that were they to somehow evolve into a magical, wallet-shaped being with no discernible orifice for uttering complaints and no limbs with which to express any form of discontent, sports/teams would be over the moon with delight. Despite the relative gulf between The Fan's perceived importance and its actual influence, in the grand scheme of things The Fan is pretty easily (and often) forgotten.

But every once in a while, both The Mascot and The Fan justify their otherwise comically useless existences. They do so not with a Great Deed or even a Worthwhile Contribution; these are, after all, merely sports we are talking about here, not global climate policy roundtables or marketing meetings for a spray-on deodorant. In the grand scheme of things, the outcomes of sporting events and the travails of its participants, sideshows, and paying customers are, to quote Stephin Merritt, "so effervescently meaningless." Great Deeds and Worthwhile Contributions are patently impossible in this trumped-up athletic world. So how does one break through that leather-bound ceiling? What could possibly turn either The Mascot or The Fan from mere bumbling non-entity into Someone For the Ages?

In short? This: