denial of death

Nate, I'm sorry I missed your phone call and happy birthday. I'm honestly glad you are around, because while I'm pretty fucking good at swallowing my pain and everything else, at least you are good at exposing yours to some degree and definetley not always. A friend of mine died this week, his boat capsized and he drowned. he was 33. He was a photographer and a good one, but when he was taking photos he drove me fucking crazy, on many of occaisions I wanted to throttle his neck, I also threatened to kill him, at many shows and not for laughs. he stood mute in his devotion for my band, but was at every goddamn show taking pictures, and the flash was incessant and irritating, so much that I would stop shows and tell him to go the fuck away. obviously i'm not one for picture taking, I'm a moment by moment person, mostly out of my denial of emotion, because what drives someone like me who has to have two jobs, school,bands and casual relationships is my concious telling me that no matter what I'm one step away from becoming a bag lady and survival is key. i do have to say though while i have not mastered relationships whole heartedly, i do believe while bachelors lead lonely existences, many married are lonely with dependents. yet it's one of my best friends in the world's birthday, and the death of another friend, who I admired when he was not flashing a camera in my fucking face that reminds me 'i am not used to happiness and it makes me afraid', both sadness and happiness, but in doing i am indifferent and that is no way to live. nate happy birthday i will see you shortly and look forward to it, as always.